The pregnancy of a single mom.

Continuing from "The Lies that led me to where I am today".

 A week had passed and it was time for my gender ultrasound. I went with the two girls I was living with whom I considered family. As soon as the ultrasound tech told me I was having a girl I was ecstatic! I already knew I was naming her Brooklynn Helena (Hel-lae-na). If Brooklynn was going to be a boy, her name ranges would of been between Evan Chase, Levi Chase, or Christian James, and Bentley Shawn. But no, she was my Brooklynn, my little GIRL.

After the gender scan was over, we went back into a room to wait for the doctor to look over the ultrasound, to make sure everything was alright. When the doctor came back in, he checked the babies heartbeat and said it was perfect, but he was slightly concerned and wanted me to come back in. My doctor told me the most heartbreaking news I could ever hear. He told me that Brooklynn had a cyst in her brain that was about a millimeter long (I think, I don't completely recall). After that appointment was over, I broke down into tears in the parking lot and just cried. It was all I could do. After that was when I would start having frequent ultrasound scans every 2-3 weeks; just to check the growth of the cyst and to make sure it was benign. But still, the thought of a cyst growing in my daughters brain was the scariest thing that I had ever heard. And the fact that Michael didn't even care... Well I already had a knife in my heart from the cyst news, but Michael not caring was twisting that knife deeper in. I prayed every day for this to go away, I cried all the time. I honestly think I grew some what depressed in a way. I was so worried for the health of my child that I even grew restless. At this point, I just didn't what to do with myself anymore. I put on a smile for everyone around me, but behind that smile was a world of hurt. I was hurting more then anyone ever realized. Outside, I appeared to be strong. Because I had to be, but on the inside I was weak and no where ready for any of this. I thought it couldn't get any worse. My morning sickness was horrible, my emotions were getting the best of me, I ended up developing torturous hemorrhoids. I'm sure some of you ladies can sympathize. Could it get any worse? Think again.

The following week passed, and my family begged me to come back with them to Tennessee. I figured it was for the best, with the conditions with my pregnancy, my strained relationships, the heartbreak Michael caused me on a daily basis, my lack of hours at my Job. I knew that this was the right decision, but it was also the hardest. Leaving behind my friends, my sisters and nephews was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I was some what relieved, I was leaving behind all the negativity, the bullies, and Michael. That was the greatest joy of all. Texas held a lot of good and bad memories. My friends were there, my nephews were born there, my sisters lived there. But also my my enemies were there, and then there was Michael. The one whom I tried to avoid at all costs when entering Flower Mound. Because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. This pregnancy had cost me the majority of my friends and my relationship. But I was more grateful then ever. It showed whom my true friends are. And it also showed me that God has the right man out there for me. God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. So why did he make my pregnancy so tough? That is an answer only God can answer.

 

The next seven weeks went along smoothly that is until I turned 27 weeks pregnant. I was in Wal-Mart grocery shopping with my mother and I started feeling the babies head push down on my cervix. It hurt so bad I could barely walk. I went home and rested then felt better the following day. The next day I went to red lobster with my mother, everyone started noticing my stomach was much lower then normal. I felt fine though. That was the photo that was taken the day I went to Red Lobster. The following day I noticed I was having bowel issues, sorry for the TMI guys. But the day after that, I was in Wal-Mart again with my mother and noticed some sharp pains in my side. I wasn't sure what they were but they were not going away. My mother insisted it was just gas, but I had a feeling it was more then that. I went home and laid on my left side, drank a glass of water and tried to sleep it off. But it kept getting worse. I called my doctor and they wanted me to come in immediately. As soon as I got to the doctor the nurse hooked me up to a contraction monitor to see if I was having contractions. Turned out I was having them on top of each other.

The nurse took me back to a room and alerted Dr. Bratsch immediately. The doctor came in minutes later and told me even if I was the littlest bit open that I was going to Labor and Delivery. I kinda blew that off because I didn't think I was dilated, boy was I wrong. The doctor told me I was already 1 cm dilated and that I needed to go to the hospital now. I told my family what was happening and of course everyone was freaking out. My baby was possibly coming tonight and I wasn't even close to ready. As soon as I got to the hospital my mother and father were by my side. I got hooked up to the fetal and contraction monitor, IV's and got an ultrasound. They immediately started me on Magnesium sulfate and gave me diladin or whatever it's called for pain. Needless to say that I felt higher then a kite. My ultrasound showed that I had cervical shortening which is also short cervical length. My body was getting ready to have this baby.

"I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us. Some day I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us. " - Taylor Swift, Both of Us. 

I was living a nightmare. I was so scared that I would end up with a stillborn, or a baby in the nicu fighting for it's life. Words can't describe the pain, and the fear that was consuming my body. The doctor kept me in the hospital for about a week. That was the most torturous, uncomfortable week of my life. I got to go home on very strict bedrest, in hopes that I wouldn't go back into labor by too much activity. My doctor had prescribed me a medication called "Procardia" . I was supposed to take it to stop my contractions whenever they started getting closer together.

Being on strict bed rest meant I couldn't be on my feet for long periods of time. I was basically on house arrest. No baby shower, no maternity pictures. Nothing. It was hard being away from my friends and family, yet alone being house bound. I didn't get to have those baby shower memories or even have the fun of getting maternity pictures. So one day, I was DESPERATE to get out of bed. I downloaded a self timer app on my phone and just took my own maternity pictures. I was about eight months in, but I didn't care. I could take more later if I wanted too.

Being on bed rest literally sucked the joy out of everything. I had contractions almost every single day. They weren't very painful though, just the intense tightening always became too much for me to handle sometimes. I was loosing sleep, becoming irritable and my morning (more like all day, every day) sickness was returning. I was in pregnancy hell. I was lucky to have my family by my side. I don't know what I would of done if I didn't. I just wanted my baby to be born already. I was so sick of being pregnant. Everyone else was having their babies and here I was wondering why the hell was I still pregnant?!    My emotions ran wild almost every day, I cried almost every day. I never would of imagined that I would of been pregnant at 18, and to top it all off be a single mother. I always imagined having that picture perfect family. Which Michael and I kinda had at first. We made plans and all that and just to have them thrown away tore me apart. Having another man's child grow inside me, knowing I was the only person who wanted her to be born, who wanted to love her, who wanted to be by her side with every step she took. I cried every night, and at any time. I didn't know what to do anymore. I just counted down the days till my due date. Waiting, but growing very impatient. 

 At 34 weeks pregnant, it was time for another ultrasound, to check the cyst in my babies brain. We were hoping that by this point the cyst would be completely gone. I had gotten donuts that morning for my weekly craving before my appointments, because I was one of those type of people who is an emotional eater. Being pregnant was enough of an excuse for me. So many thoughts were crossing my mind. "is my baby going to be okay?" "What if the cyst isn't gone?" "What if it's cancerous cyst?". All these "what if's" running thru my mind. I felt my stomach churning like I was going to vomit. I was able to keep myself together once we arrived at Tennessee Maternal Fetal Medicine out in Franklin, Tennessee. 

The time had come around in the waiting room felt like forever. My mother and Laura (my mother's best friend at the time) were with me. Once we finally got called back into a room and they rubbed the cool gel on my belly, I felt fear just come over me. But once I heard my babies heartbeat, I felt at peace. Hearing her heartbeat was music to my ears; I could listen to it all day if I could. It was the most beautiful sound in this entire world, nothing could ever compare to it. My mother was being insecure about them getting the gender false the first time, so she asked the ultrasound tech to reconfirm the sex of the baby. Of course, Brooklynn was still a GIRL. My mother, Laura and I of course all went crazy for Brooke's little feet. She was the cutest baby even on screen. Every time I saw her on ultrasound I fell in love immediately. I couldn't wait to meet her and kiss that little face.

"When all the world is spinning 'round like a red balloon way up in the clouds. And my feet will not stay on the ground, you anchor me back down." -Mindy Gledhill, Anchor.

Anyways, once the ultrasound tech had finished up with me, she sent my mother, Laura and I back to the doctor's office. As we waited in the room things were just awkward. No one really spoke much. It was like this awkward tension was just lingering in the air. I was so scared for the doctor to come in, to tell me the good news or the bad. I didn't know. Part of me actually didn't want to know, as bad as that sounds. I couldn't handle anymore bad news. The doctor finally came in and told me that the cyst had gone away! it was gone! I was so happy and felt as if this big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But that was also when the doctor had dropped the bomb on me. All though the cyst on gone away, the doctor had another cause for concern. Brooklynn had developed a gap in between her skull and her brain, it was full of fluid. I don't remember exact measurements, but the Doctor at Tennessee Maternal Fetal Medicine wanted another ultrasound in four weeks to see if the gap had closed up, and my OB/GYN doctor back Murfreesboro Medical Clinic wanted the same thing. The doctor explained to me that with this prognosis, that if it doesn't go away, that my daughter could have a slight chance at being Autistic or having some other mental disability later in life. I felt like the weight of the world had dropped like a bomb on to my shoulders. Everything was falling apart again.  But I knew God had a plan. He gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. I knew the lord had something awesome planned for my daughter and I.

" Say something I'm giving up on you. I'll be the one if you want me too. Anywhere I would of followed you, So something I'm giving up on you. And I am feeling so small. It was over my head, I know nothing at all. And I will stumble and fall. I'm still learning to love. Just starting to crawl. Say something I'm giving up on you." - A great big world, Say Something

  My due date was reading around the corner and I was exhausted, scared and confused. I would be delivering this baby without the father, Michael. It killed me every day to know that I was the only one who got to experiance this new life coming into this world; and he was going to miss the birth of his first born. I just couldn't grasp it. After the day that I got the devastating news, that my daughter had a POSSIBILITY of being Autistic and such, I texted Michael pictures of the ultrasound and about the gap and the prognosis. He ignored me, he didn't even care. It shattered my heart. I knew that I was just wasting my time, I knew he didn't care, but I didn't want to except that. I tried fighting to get him to care about her. When now, I realize, I was fighting with a lost cause. Because she has me, and I am all she needs. I wish I would of realized it a long time ago. But better late then never right?

Once I hit 37 weeks, I decided it was time to get this going. Operation evict Brooklynn. I did EVERYTHING. Except have sex. I mean really, who would I have sex with?
My imaginary boyfriend? Yeah, I think not. Anyways, I was miserable and swollen. One day, my best friend Harlee and I were texting and she told me that Martha (my mother, AKA Tammy) and I should go see the movie Sinister. So I could possibly get so scared that my water will break and oh happy day here comes a baby! Yeah...I wish. So, Martha and I went to go see Sinister. I didn't get scared, but Martha did. I almost died laughing.

Later on the next day, My parents went out with some friends to go see a movie and then afterwards we were all going to go to Logan's Roadhouse. I decided to stay home because I was tired and I didn't want to see the movie they all decided to see. An hour or so after they left, I had pretty much dominated my parents bed. But I also started noticing pretty painful contractions. I monitored them for a few hours and waited it out. They got 2-3 minutes apart and my doctor told me to go to the hospital. Only problem was I was by myself. I called my parents, they didn't pick up. Figured because they were in the movies. I called Laura and Ron, they didn't answer. I called my best friend, Harlee, and had a complete and total bitch fit because I was in pain and thought a baby could fall out of my vagina at any moment. Eventually I got a hold of my mother, Laura and my mother immediately came to pick me up and take me to the hospital. My father and Ron, Laura's husband, met us there. I was hoping to god that this wasn't a false alarm. That this was the day I would finally meet the child that has been making me pee myself and mistake it for amniotic fluid, The child who gave me butterflies every time she moved around and kicked her little feet, The child whom I dreamed about every night, the child who had captured my heart.

  Once I arrived at the hospital the nurses got me hooked up to a fetal monitor to monitor the babies heartbeat and to monitor my contractions. My contractions were pretty consistent, about 2-3 minutes apart and lasting 60 seconds. I sat there almost in tears. The nurse checked my cervix and I was still only 1 cm dilated. The nurse then asked me if I ever had a problem with blood pressure before. I told her no, I hadn't. So they monitored me for a few hours and then the nurse came back in. She told me that the doctor on call wanted to keep me over night, stop my contractions and monitor my blood pressure. They made me do a 24 hour urine test to determine if I was developing preeclampsia. I was miserable, my family had gone home and I was by myself, spending the night in this hospital. I already had a hard time sleeping and didn't know what to do. I had no one to talk too, nothing good to watch on TV and I just wanted to cry. What if my health was in danger? What if my baby is in danger? 

The next day the hospital let me go home. Everything seemed to be okay on the 24 hour urine, but they still wanted me to go see my doctor a day before I was supposed to go in for my scheduled appointment. I was exhausted, when I got home that night, it was probably the best sleep I've had got in a very long period of time. The next day I went to go see my OB/GYN and she of course checked my blood pressure and my cervix and all that. She checked my blood pressure and it was fine. But what she doesn't know is right before my appointment I was having irregular contractions, so I took a procardia to stop them so I would be okay at the doctors appointment. What I didn't know is that procardia also treats high blood pressure. That was why my blood pressure was okay at my doctors appointment. She scheduled an induction for 39 weeks pregnant. So in two weeks, I would be having my baby. The reason behind my induction was because I have a small frame and we were worried about a big baby. So to avoid c-section, induction was the next option. My next appointment would also be my last ultrasound, where we would check the babies weight, and also check the gap in between her skull and brain, to check and see if it had closed up or not.

   To be continued...