Border Crossed Mums.: Halloween of 2012 - The Greatest day of my life.

continuing The Pregnancy of a Single Mother and The lies that Led me here today..

I was 38 weeks pregnant, the day before my last doctors appointment and ultrasound. I was so excited that this was it. The end of my pregnancy was seven days or less away. My nerves were going crazy, and I actually thought to myself, "I really am going to miss being pregnant." Because it was the truth. I was going to miss my belly table, I was going to miss the kicks, the hiccups, the thought of knowing that this was the safest I could keep my daughter. I could keep her protected from this cruel world if she just stayed cradled in her little water nest. For me it was a love hate relationship with this pregnancy, the aches, pains, and sickness were horrible. But everything else was just so beautiful. In the end though, I was ready to have my baby and for her to finally be in my arms.

I was so anxious to find out the prognosis of my daughter's situation with the gap in between her skull and brain. I was worried. I did a lot of research online that helped me a lot cope with the risk of being autistic and such. Her risks were low, but the risk that it was still there still haunted me. I was so scared to find out, but yet, I was so excited to see her face on that screen, for the very last time. Because after this, the next I see her, she will be in my arms. She will be cradled in my arms, and I will never let her go. She will be my girl forever. The love of my life, my everything.

"I have died every day waiting for you. Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I will love you for a thousand more." - Christiana Perry, Thousand Years.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012, I went in to my doctor's appointment and waited for what seemed like forever. As soon as I got back to the ultrasound room, the ultrasound tech and I started chatting as she was setting up the machine to get it ready. Ironically, I was telling her how I wish I could have my baby in my arms right now and if I could have her tomorrow I would. Little did I know, my wish would be coming true. Once we started and I saw Brooklynn's little face; my heart had just melted. The ultrasound tech pointed out that she had at little bit of hair (which would explain my excessive heart burn), and very chubby cheeks. Her estimate weight was about 6 lbs and 10 oz. I was a little bit shocked at the weight though. I thought she would be a much bigger baby. Given the fact that myself, my sister and my brother and I were all 8 lbs, my other sister was 10 lbs. On Michael's side he was 9 lbs, his two brother's were between 10-12 lbs and same with the elders. So, as you can see, I was expecting a fairly large baby.

After my ultrasound was over, I was escorted back to the waiting room, where I would wait for the doctor to see me. It felt like I had waited for hours but eventually I got called back. It was safe to say I was probably the most pregnant woman in there. Once I got called back the nurse checked my weight as usual, I was 173 lbs. I had gained between 48-50 lbs this pregnancy. I wanted to die just seeing that number. Anyways, the nurse checked my blood pressure and she noticed it was in the 140's, this concerned her and she wanted to check again once the doctor came in to look at me. I wasn't really to worried though. I was just like "Okay whatever." I didn't think much of it. Once,t he doctor came back, she checked my cervix and of course I was STILL only 1 cm. I didn't understand, I had been 1 cm since I was 28 weeks! I was 38 weeks now and still only at a 1. I just didn't get it. Now concerning the gap between Brooklynn's skull and her brain- the gap had not went away nor did it change. I was bummed and we just had to keep an eye on her development now. The doctor checked my BP and it only went down to the high 130's. She told me that she wanted to do some blood work and not to leave the office. If my blood work came back determining pre-e then she wanted me to go into L&D immediately to be induced. I basically went into a state of shock. Not really realising that this could be it. The day I was waiting for. I wasn't supposed to be induced until November 7, a week later. But no, it could be happening today!

I told my mom what had happened and we waited in the waiting room for over two hours. We were hungry and very anxious. All I could really think about was food, I wanted food more then anything. I hadn't eaten breakfast this morning and I wasn't expecting to be at the doctor's office this long. After a long time of waiting, Dr.Brastch finally emerged and she told us to head straight to the hospital it was baby time! I was so stunned. She said the only thing I could eat was something very light.

My mother and I went straight home to go pick up our hospital bags and such. I called my father and some of my closest friends, letting them know that it was time to have this baby. I had been diagnosed with the early stages of preeclampsia and that it wasn't safe for baby and I to be pregnant any longer. I didn't even bother texting Michael that it was baby time. I didn't care. The only thing I cared about right now is that I, Stephanie Kyger, was about to become someone's mother. That these long night months were now over, and now I can start my new life with my little girl by my side. What I find ironic is two things; back in September on a car ride that my mother and I were taking, we thought it would be so funny if my baby was born the week of Halloween. Actually thru out my entire pregnancy, my friends and I joked about my baby being born the week of Halloween. We had even brought up to my doctor once too. And then this morning, when the ultrasound tech and I were talking, I had mentioned that I just wanted to have my baby tomorrow cause I didn't want to wait another week. It's weird in a way how life works. But damn, I wouldn't change a thing.

My face was swollen, my eyes were puffy, my hands, feet and legs were swollen, even my crotch was swollen. Sorry for the TMI. The nurse had taken my blood, hooked me up to an IV, hooked up the fetal and contraction monitor and blood pressure cuff. I was so ready for this baby to be out of me. This had been a long, stressful, and emotional pregnancy for me. As much as a emotional roller coaster this pregnancy was, I knew I was going to miss it. I loved my bump, the kicks, the doctor's appointments.I loved everything. But I was ready for this new journey and to be skinny again. I was ready.

They started me off on this drug called "cytotech" or however its spelled. My contractions started almost immediately. They were right on top of each other and I was in a great deal of pain. As you can see in the picture, I was a bit loopy on pain medication. My doctor wanted to artificially rupture my membranes around 8 PM that evening and start a round of pitocin at midnight. When the doctor tried to break my water, the babies head had floated away and the doctor didn't feel safe doing it at this time. So they would start the pitocin a little bit earlier. What alarmed the doctors and nurses was that my blood pressure was escalating. For some reason, my body started to resist the pitocin and only reacted to the drug they placed on my cervix. But I didn't dilate anymore then 1 and a half cm. I was in labor for close to twelve and a half hours, before they were going to break my water again, they noticed my blood pressure was now in the 180's and determined that continuing with my labor would be to dangerous for baby and I. They were fearful I was going to have a stroke or worse. So I was immediately rushed back for a c-section. I had never been more scared in my entire life. I told the doctors and nurses to be my drug lords. My mother was the one who went into the delivery room with me. I was scared for my life. I had never had a major surgery like this before.

Once I laid down on the operating table, I knew this was it. The epidural didn't hurt one bit but the only thing I was feeling was anxiousness. It swept over my body like a wave. Once the doctor told me I was going to feel pressure, I felt more then that. I felt like I was being trampled by an elephant. I screamed "HOLY FUCK". And then, they showed me my little blood covered baby. She was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. I was in a state of shock and it hadn't really sunk in yet that I was now a mother. That that baby was MY baby. I just couldn't believe it.

October 31st, 2012 at 8:41 AM, Brooklynn Helena Kyger was born. VIA C-Section birth at Saint Thomas Rutherford Hospital, Murfreesboro, TN.
5 lbs 15 oz, 18 3/4 inches long

"I could float without wings, touch the sky, feel the sunlight kiss my face. Fly thru space, if I knew it would bring me close to you. People stop and stare so let them watch me while I dare to suddenly reach for your hand, hush your lips, steal a kiss or two or three, shamelessly, if I knew it would bring me close to you." -Mindy Gledhill, Bring me close.

Having Brooklynn was the most magical moment of my life. I felt so much love, so much joy. I never knew I could love someone so tiny, so fragile. I never knew love until I saw her. I thought I did, but I didn't. My daughter was love in the human form. She was perfect, and she was all mine. She is everything I had ever wanted and everything I could of ever hoped for. As a child, I had always wondered what my first born would be like. The babies name, gender, what he or she would look like. But I never imagined that my first born would be this perfect. I was in love.

My little girl was perfectly healthy. She had a nine on her apgar scores, no jaundice. She was perfect. was a lot smaller then any of had expected her to be. I was scared to death of breaking her. As soon as I got out of my c-section though, I immediately was put back on magnesium sulfate to lower my blood pressure. I was on it for 24 hours. So that means I had now gone 48 hours without food. I felt like I was dying. Breastfeeding Brooklynn was hard enough with me falling asleep every ten minutes. It was horrible that I couldn't move around or even enjoy my first day with her because I couldn't stay awake because of all the drugs and the stressful labor. I was a little down though that I didn't get to experience a normal vaginal delivery. I felt like my body had failed me. The next day when I was finally allowed to eat, was also one of the worst, most painful days of my life. When I was finally allowed to start walking around it was so painful. I couldn't even stand up straight nor walk for five minutes. I ended up pushing out three baseball sized blood clots vaginally. I actually thought I was going to die. My blood pressure was getting worse by the day, my health was decreasing. I had the worst c-section experiance and now my recovery was also a living hell. I literally thought I wasn't going to see my daughter grow up. When my blood pressure got into the high 190's and doctors were filling the room...I knew this wasn't going to turn out good for me.