Most of you know me from my old blog that has been deleted, or you may know me from instagram.. but what you don't know is who I really am. So, I'm here to show you!
Basically our story begins back 2011. I was about halfway through my first year of college when i found myself staring at a clear blue digital pregnancy test that read PREGNANT. I was in complete shock. I immediately sent a picture of it to my best friend, Chelsea, and to the father, Kyle. I sat on my bedroom floor not sure whether to be happy, or to cry because I was scared shitless..
A little back story on my child's father and I, we began dating in 8th grade and dated on and off alllll throughout high school. Things got really serious between us our senior year. We began making plans for the future as we thought that we loved each other.. Well I did love him, sooo much.. I wanted to spend my life with him, until I started to see who he really was. Once we graduated high school, there was a lot of hidden mental abuse going on, on both of our parts though, (I wont pretend to be innocent) we both became very controlling and jealous with each other.. We were always on each others backs about trust issues.. Well anyway, he convinced me to stop taking my birth control because he wanted a real family. (We both come from divorced families, his mom was a single mom and his dad was never really present in his life) We began fighting about it allll the time because I used to sneak my birth control behind his back. Once he found that out, he started accusing me of cheating.. I really wasn't sure what to do but all I knew was that I didn't want to lose him.. So I did what he said and stopped taking my birth control. Now clearly we were having unprotected sex and I was aware of it, so I wont "blame" him for my pregnancy.. There was a lot of manipulation and a lot of other issues clearly present in our relationship, but I was sooo blind.. And I was desperate enough to try to keep him in my life that I was willing to get pregnant.
When I told Kyle that I was pregnant, of course he was overjoyed. We were so excited that we were about to have a family of our own that all of our "problems" we were having just sort of went away, so to speak. Naturally breaking the news to our folks was hard. We were BARELY 18 at the time and no where near ready to be reproducing HAHA. My parents and my best friend both tried to talk me into abortion because neither of them actually understood what was going on.. Kyle made promises to my family that he of course couldn't keep. and ever since then my father lost all faith and trust in him.
As my pregnancy went on, I ended up moving in with Kyle and his mother because they had an extra room at their house that was supposed to be for our baby girl. I began making plans to create this beautiful nursery, and I started to fall in love with the idea of our little family. Kyle was working a reallllly awesome job making tons of money, and I was working 2 part time jobs. We finally were about to have it all.. But then i started noticing little things that he would do that honestly just drove me nuts. He was never used to having money as a kid because his mom was a single mother, but I came from a family that always had money.. So he would start spending his money on stupid things and weed and always having his friends over to party. I was 6 months pregnant and exhausted so we rarely ever spent time together.. Ugh.. And It started to scare me knowing that I was bringing a child into this home. Of course I knew who he was before I was pregnant, but I never realized how much we would both have to change until I was actually pregnant. I was really unhappy and I started becoming depressed. My best friend noticed that something wasn't right, and she called me out on it one day. She convinced me that it was better for me and our baby girl to move back in with my family.. (which she was right) so I ended up moving out... And thats when allllll hell broke lose.Kyle was naturally heart broken that I no longer wanted to live with him, but he never once sat down to understand the reasons why. He says and I quote "You moved out because you're scared that baby isn't mine" he even texted my mother that. Of all things to say, he said that and that's when my parents lost all respect for him.. We went round and round fighting and arguing over absolutely NOTHING. My parents forbid me to see him, but little did they know I was sneaking behind their backs. I would take any opportunity I could to go sneak to see him. I just wanted to make things work for our baby's sake. He made me feel soooo guilty for leaving. But thats when he began cheating and what not. Or so ive been told.. I don't think I'll ever learn the truth about what went on, but anyway, my pregnancy from 6 months on was basically miserable. Every other day it was, "that baby is mine and I love her I wanna make a family work" and then it was "oh that baby isn't mine get out of my life you whore. you ruined my life" I literally cried myself to sleep every single night, partially because of Kyle and allll the fighting with my parents, and partially because I felt guilty about crying and stressing over Kyle thinking about the harm it was causing my baby. Its so hard to hold in those emotions, especially being pregnant. I just wanted so badly to give my baby a family she deserved. I even went into pre-term labor at 27 weeks and had to be hospitalized because of all the stress.
Finally, Five days after my 19th birthday, AND The morning of my due date, I layed in bed tossing and turning, trying to recover from my crying session the night before, and all of a sudden i felt a pop and tons of fluid between my legs. My water had broken! I was basically in shock and I kind of just sat there for a second thinking " Holy shit its time, I'm gonna be a mom" I got to the hospital and my step mom basically told me that if i called Kyle and he was in the room then she wouldn't be there. (My parents at this point, HATED kyle) so i tired to keep it a secret, but somehow he found out I was there and he showed up. My dad threw him out of the room and they ended up getting into a fist fight. I was so embarrassed and hurt that my focus was no where near where it should of been. My anxiety and stress levels were at an all time high. Labor was basically hell for me because of the immaturity and hostility that went on with my parents and Kyle. My parents didnt want him there, and I didnt either, But they took that choice away from me as if I was a 14 year old little girl. I had no power or say in anything and that really just ruined the experience for me.
After a very long day of laboring, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Mackenzee Ryanne Monk, at 12:52 AM. She weighted 7.5 pounds and was 19 inches long. She was welcomed into this world by my whole family, my best friends and Kyle who was waiting outside the hospital. Kyle finally got to meet her, and then everyone left.
There I was, laying in a hospital bed with a newborn baby, ALONE. I was so hurt, that not even my stepmom bothered to stay with me. But it was then, when I was all alone in the hospital that I made a promise to my sweet baby girl to NEVER leave her side and to always be the one to take care of her. I put my entire heart into raising her because I realized that I'm all she's got.. I'm the only one she knows at this very moment here in this hospital room. I was released from the hospital and I went home to my parents house.. I did everything on my own. I never once asked for help from anyone. Not even to keep an eye on her while I showered. I made the choice to become a mother, so I was going to hold up my end of the bargain and be a mom. The day after I had given birth I had gotten a horrible headache that last 4 days. I could barely hold my head up, but I didn't let that stop me from being the best mom I could be.
Mackenzee was about a week old, and my parents were PISSED that I was allowing her father to be apart of her life so they kicked me out. They took everything from me, My phone, my car, my home, EVERYTHING. They told me,"you can take what you can carry" so naturally i grabbed all of Mackenzees things and a change of clothes for myself. My best friend picked us up and took us to Kyles. He was happy we were there but I wasn't. We were nowhere near ready to be in a relationship, let alone living together. We fought every single day. It was honestly the worst experience of my life. I don't want to sit here and blame Kyle for it being that way, but really he was drinking heavily, smoking weed heavily.. I would catch him on dating websites talking to other girls about hooking up. The mental abuse and emotional abuse was at an all time high, and then things turned physical. I don't want to get too much into detail about the physical abuse because Kyle has asked me not to forthe sake of his reputation and what not. But I will say that one of the scariest experiences of my life, was when we would fight and he would take mackenzee and lock her in his room so I couldn't get to her. I felt so helpless, I couldn't even protect my own child. (***KYLE WAS NEVER ABUSIVE TO MACKENZEE, HE LOVES HIS DAUGHTER AND WOULD NEVER HURT HER***) Things were just sooo crazy and neither of us were thinking right. I finally had it with him and one day after things got physical, I was so shooken up that I ended up calling the police and having him arrested. I got a restraining order the very next day. I went back to my parents house and of course they were not happy. And once again forbid me from seeing him. Haha..
Since that day, Kyle and I have come alooooonnnnnggg way. We went through more trials of trying to be together, but everytime it failed. Court date after court date to alter visitation schedules.. We are finally at a point now where we both know that its best for Mackenzee if we aren't together. But we want her to grow up knowing both of her parents. We want her to know that its okay to love both of us, and that we will always be there for her as her parents. We have a very strong co-parent relationship but we never let it go past that.. We are both almost 21 now, and Mackenzee is almost 2!! Shes a very smart and outgoing little girl. she steals my heart over and over again every morning when shes tells me "morning mommy" <3Thanks for reading! I know it was kind of a lot of rambling!! To see more of our story and to follow along on our journey, check out our blog www.mackenzeemeansfearless.blogspot.com <3
**I left out A LOT of detail for the sake of time..
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