The health risks I now faced

 Continuing from the Halloween of 2012 Blog Post.

  My baby girl was so perfect, so fragile, so innocent. It was crazy to think that she was all mine! I didn't have to share her. I was so excited. After everything I had gone through these past few days with pushing out the three blood clots to my BP sky rocketing, I felt like a failure. I was so scared of our future, what was going to happen to my health, and where my child and Is.  would end up. I was even scared of my daughter. I was so scared of breaking her. She was so tiny, so fragile; I had to have a nurse dress her because I was literally afraid I was going to break her if not kill her if I tried. I guess that's how every new mother feels? 

Some of the new health problems I was now facing was:

• Post-Partum Depression
• Hypertension (high blood pressure)
• severe anxiety 

For the first two weeks of Brooklynn's life, I had barely eaten much. I would eat maybe once or twice a day and only three bites. I thought I was fat, disgusting, and repulsive. I wanted to be thin, back in the 120's like I used to be. But now I was stuck in the 140's. I was basically starving myself. I hated my new body, I hated the way I looked, I hated me. The only thing positive I had was this new tiny life. I was having a hard time adjusting to motherhood. I talked to my best friend- Harlee, every single day. She was really the only person that knew of all my health issues going on and my mental issues as well. I had to be put on blood pressure medication and anti depressants. Luckily, the medications I was taking was SAFE for breastfeeding. I wish I would of taken breastfeeding more seriously. My milk dried up after two months and I regret not pumping enough. 

Anyways, when Brooklynn was two weeks old, Brooklynn had some how contracted group B strep. We don't know how she had caught it. My water had never broken when I was in labor, and I tested negative for it when I was pregnant. No one could figure it out. Another ironic thing is Brooklynn was hospitalized on my due date- November 12, 2012. Weird isn't it? Anyways- Brooklynn stayed in the hospital for exactly 11 days. We got out on thanksgiving night. My poor baby had a rough time in there, myself included. I was a complete and total mess. My daughter was sicker then ever, and with myself being a new mother and all the other problems I was having, I didn't know what to do. And while we were hospitalized I ended up developing a minor case of mastitis (breast infection from clogged milk duct). I was lucky enough that my mother stayed by our side every single day. My dad came to visit every day also. I don't know what I would of done without them. 

When Brooklynn was about a month old

I was finally allowed to get off the blood pressure medication. I was so happy, I wasn't happy with my weight though. On social media, I made it sound like I was happy. But I wasn't. I was stuck in the 140's and I just kept seeing myself as this fat, repulsive cow. I had low self-esteem, I was having a horrible c-section recovery and more.









Now, a year and a half later, my blood pressure problems have returned. I have lost ALL my pregnancy weight and I am back in the 120's. But my blood pressure problems have returned, today I am back on blood pressure medication and my anxiety is still worse then ever. I get depressed from time to time being so far away from home and my friends. My daughter isn't growing up with her three cousins and that kills me. But I am doing what is best for my daughter. My primary care physician says I will probably be on blood pressure pills for the rest of my life now, and definitely during my next pregnancy. What scares me is my next pregnancy, I am going to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I am hoping that my blood pressure will be under control enough for  me to have a successful VBAC. But sorry guys, I have no babies in store for right now. I am waiting till I find the right guy and I am married. Brooklynn deserves a family first before I give her any little siblings.

want to know how I lost the weight? stay tuned for my next blog post on my weight loss and coping.

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