The Lies that led me to where I am today

It started with Michael

"We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain. We jumped never asking why. We kissed, I fell under your spell, a love no one could deny. Don't you ever say I just walked away I will always want you." - Miley Cyrus, Wrecking Ball.

 I first met Michael when I was in my last years of high school. I was only 17 years old. I had met him in late November 2011, just three weeks after getting out of a relationship that lasted almost a year and a half. I actually met Michael through a mutual friend at the time, she had given him my number. I didn't even know him, and here I was texting this complete and total stranger. I didn't like him at first, I thought he was a pest. Eventually we ended up meeting a week later; he had come over to my house on technically a Sunday morning around midnight. No guys, there was no sex. We actually just cuddled and watched the movie Elf and the last Harry Potter movie. We almost fell asleep in each others arms and of course had our first kiss. It was sweet, bittersweet.

As the month of December past, we started spending more and more time together. We were like one of those relationships where we knew we were together, but we hadn't defined the relationship yet. He ended up asking me to be his girlfriend on my eighteenth birthday. As our relationship progressed and sex became a factor, we started growing apart. The strain on our relationship actually started when we started suspecting I was pregnant. He was lying to me all the time, flirting with other girls, probably cheating as well. We will never know. He started distancing himself and such. I knew that this wasn't going to last; I got scared.

  

 The day that forever changed my life...

                        " But I am slipping under water. The tide oh it's pulling me much farther. Maybe I drowning? Oh, I am drowning."  - tech n9ne, drowning. 

It was March 5, 2012, I was waiting anxiously in the waiting room to be called back for my pregnancy test. I had my friend Alexis with me for the moral support. My only pregnancy symptom's were extreme fatigue, tingling nipples, and light to nonexistent period. As soon as I got called back, I felt my stomach churn. I was so nervous, I can't even begin to describe the way I was feeling. I was scared and nervous. My parents were moving away in a week and I was faced with the possibility of being a pregnant 18 year old. It could of been worse. My oldest sister, Tracey, got pregnant at 16. But this is my story, not hers. Anyways, Cindy, the lady who administered my pregnancy test, had come back to the room. She told me I was 4 weeks pregnant and due November 12, 2012. I broke out into tears. I went into hysteria. All I could do was cry, and nothing else. I could barely breath yet alone speak. Alexis ended up calling Michael with my permission, she told him about the pregnancy and he asked how I was doing. He basically already knew that answer though. Later that night, Michael texted me and told me I was going to be a great mother.

Telling my family about the baby was a nightmare. The school had some how found out and they forced me into telling my parents. I told them by phone and text message. My father was okay, but my mother wasn't. She took all the food out of the house, tried suicide and more. She screamed at me and terrorised me to the point where I had to stay with friends for a few days at a time. Don't worry, our relationship is fine now and she adores Brooklynn.

 As the weeks past, Michael and I grew more and more apart. We would go weeks without seeing other, days without speaking. I knew we weren't going to last, but, I kept holding on. In hopes that we could still be that picture perfect family, but deep down, I already knew. If the baby was a boy, he wanted to name him Michael Shane (insert last name here) Jr , Deshawn or Bear. I shit you not. I think he was joking on the last two but with him you will never know. The last time I saw Michael was the week before we broke up, and he was acting normal. He was being super affectionate and we just talked and all that normal stuff. So a week later, on 4/20 to be exact, he was going to his friend Kevin's party, he broke up with me over the phone. It sounded like he was crying, but, I couldn't tell exactly. Regardless, it killed me. I was three months pregnant, my hormones were raging and officially a single mother. I couldn't sleep or eat. All I could do was cry. I ended up staying the night with a friend, because there was no way I could be alone.
 

                  " I put you high up in the sky and now you're never coming down. It slowly turned, you let me burn. And now we're ashes on the ground."  -Miley Cyrus, Wrecking Ball. 
 

Not even a week later Michael had a new girlfriend. She was a sophomore in high school and her name was Courtney. I was pretty sure he was talking to her while I was preant and I was infuriated. Once Michael got with Courtney, he started denying our baby. He never used to do that up until this point. From that point on it was an on going fight with him. We fought nearly 24/7. It never ended, and it hurt. Honestly it still hurts to this day. It's caused me to have many trust issues with men and with people in general.

On graduation day Michael and I ran into each other, he watched me the entire graduation and looked pale as a ghost. Like I was the ghost of pregnant exes past or something. Lord knows, but he looked scared out of his mind. Outside we ran into each other and he looked at me like his heart had dropped into his stomach. He looked sad. The last time we had seen each other was the week before we broke up. Of course I broke into tears afterwards and got very upset. Seeing him again brought back up all these memories. I was hurting more then ever and all I could do was cry. Surprisingly later that night Michael texted me to meet up with him. He wanted to know if he could come over, I told him maybe the next night. The next night he stood me up.

A month later I received a phone call from Michael's girlfriend; she wanted to meet up with me and try and be "civil". Which didn't fly in my book, to me she will always be a home wrecker. She told me Michael wouldn't come to the hospital unless she was there and I told her no, and that she wasn't allowed around my child. She said that Michael wouldn't be in the babies life unless my friends left him alone. Which I had no control over that, and I even told her that. None of this was even her business. She told me to get a DNA test and all that. Basically calling me a slut. I was over it. After the phone conversation was over I was so upset that it made me physically ill. I was throwing up and crying the entire day. My friend's mother ended up calling her and told her to never call me again. I had never been so thankful. Carla was such a saint and such a good person. Her, Jack and that entire family. I will forever be grateful to them.

All in all, he had lied to me about his deployment dates, his training dates and basically everything in our relationship was based on a lie. I was hurt, confused, and having to raise this little life on my own. Knowing that she is apart of him, and apart of me. But the best thing is, is that I don't have to share her. She will be the reason I get out of the bed each morning and my motivation. While he goes out and parties and does military stuff, I get to experience all our daughter's firsts. Her first laugh, cry, words, walking crawling, her first date, her first kiss, and her wedding day. I will be there when this precious life enter the world. People ask me all the time if I hate Michael, if I would ever take him back because we have a child together. For awhile, I did hate him. I hated who he had become. But now, I don't hate him. I am grateful for him. Because without him, I would of never received the most precious gift from God. And to answer the question if I would ever take him back- No. I actually have accepted that he isn't in mine and Brooklynn's lives. I think we are better off. If there ever comes a day where he wants to be in her life, then fine. I wont keep Brooklynn from him. But if he breaks her heart with empty promises that will be when I step in. But I don't ever see that happening. As for a relationship- No also, because I could never trust him. If you don't have trust you don't have nothing. At this moment in time, Michael and I don't speak and I don't plan on ever speaking to him again. My main focus is my little girl.

" I would rather have 30 minutes of something wonderful, then a lifetime of nothing special." -Steel Magnolias.

 

  

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