Don't you just love Adylee? (GUEST POST: IG: Adyleeandmee)

This is the story of my relationship with my daughter, Adylee, father Bill. Now, I am not bashing him in any way but there are things he has done that I hold a lot of resentment towards him for. This is simply...our story.

Bill and I met through mutual friends and really had no interest of kings ever becoming as serious as they did. It kind of just happened. There is a 12 year age difference between us and really we were just doing the whole dating thing to see where it went. But, things kind of escalated and after only being together for a month found out that we were pregnant. I was immediately excited to become a mom but Bill wasn't so ready.

Bill had more issues than I could've even imagined him having and didn't even know about him having before we got pregnant. Mainly drug related issues. He was heavily addicted to prescription pills and also would dabble in cocaine every once in a while. I didn't know how badly it was until I was pregnant.

He hardly was there for me the entire time I was pregnant and sick in the hospital. Mentally he was just checked out of life and could really only care about where his next fix was coming from. When we found out we were having a girl he literally moped around for the entire day. When I was 6 months pregnant he moved 2 hours away for work and didn't come home till I was 8 months pregnant. He pretty much knew nothing about what was going on with his child.

I went into labor two days before my due date and it took him an hour or more to get to the hospital (which was only 25 mins away). The entire time he slept. When it was time to push he didn't hold my hand or even help coach me. He just say there. He was coming off of a high and wasn't really all there. Adylee was born and he didn't show one ounce of emotion. He went over to where they were doing all her testing and held her hand. Then an hour after she was born, Bill left the hospital. He returned about 8 hours later and stayed for 3 hours or so and went back to our house to go to work the next day. His sister ended up bringing us home.

When we got home he just didn't have the desire to really take care of Adylee. He wanted to hug, play and love on her sure. But take care of her? Nope. I did it all. He would bitch and moan about how he had to get up for work early and blah blah. Eventually I have up asking Bill for his help. You would think that at 30 something years old he would be ready for this. But no. His drugs were much more important to him. There were times when I would tell him days in advance that Adylee would need diapers but he just didn't care. The $30 it took to buy a pack of diapers was needed much more to buy 2 pills. I was always depressed and lonely and a lot of people around me could tell.

When Adylee was 5 months old, Bill and I got into a very huge argument and he broke up with me and told me to get out. So I did. That was the last time we lived together. He saw Adylee regularly but it was always for short periods of time. I think, eventually Bill realized that it was time to get his act together and get clean for his daughter. So when Adylee was 8 months old, he left to move to Texas. He got clean and after several months of constant arguing and breaking up I decided it was just best to leave him alone. It was also around that time that Adylee turned 1 and he did not make it home for her birthday. Needless to say, I was disappointed.

Right before Christmas, Bill had decided to call me and told me how badly he realized he had screwed up for a year of our daughters life. She hardly knew him. Adylee actually called my dad "daddy" not knowing any better. Bill visited us for Christmas and for the first time ever we felt like a family. A real family. Him and I are beginning to work on things as a couple and he has been clean and sober for almost a year. I'm very proud of him. Now Adylee knows who her father is and can point him out in a picture.

Needless to say, we are still growing as a family and the healing process will take some time. It hasn't been a easy road but were willing to try. I'm proud of him for that. I'm hoping that things truly do stay on the right path but you never know. Things could go either way. But I refuse to let them get as bad as they did because Adylee is older know and will know and feel it so much more. She deserves more and so do I. But for now, we are working on becoming a family and eventually will be together again. God only knows what the future holds and I leave it up to Him.

The health risks I now faced

 Continuing from the Halloween of 2012 Blog Post.

  My baby girl was so perfect, so fragile, so innocent. It was crazy to think that she was all mine! I didn't have to share her. I was so excited. After everything I had gone through these past few days with pushing out the three blood clots to my BP sky rocketing, I felt like a failure. I was so scared of our future, what was going to happen to my health, and where my child and Is.  would end up. I was even scared of my daughter. I was so scared of breaking her. She was so tiny, so fragile; I had to have a nurse dress her because I was literally afraid I was going to break her if not kill her if I tried. I guess that's how every new mother feels? 

Some of the new health problems I was now facing was:

• Post-Partum Depression
• Hypertension (high blood pressure)
• severe anxiety 

For the first two weeks of Brooklynn's life, I had barely eaten much. I would eat maybe once or twice a day and only three bites. I thought I was fat, disgusting, and repulsive. I wanted to be thin, back in the 120's like I used to be. But now I was stuck in the 140's. I was basically starving myself. I hated my new body, I hated the way I looked, I hated me. The only thing positive I had was this new tiny life. I was having a hard time adjusting to motherhood. I talked to my best friend- Harlee, every single day. She was really the only person that knew of all my health issues going on and my mental issues as well. I had to be put on blood pressure medication and anti depressants. Luckily, the medications I was taking was SAFE for breastfeeding. I wish I would of taken breastfeeding more seriously. My milk dried up after two months and I regret not pumping enough. 

Anyways, when Brooklynn was two weeks old, Brooklynn had some how contracted group B strep. We don't know how she had caught it. My water had never broken when I was in labor, and I tested negative for it when I was pregnant. No one could figure it out. Another ironic thing is Brooklynn was hospitalized on my due date- November 12, 2012. Weird isn't it? Anyways- Brooklynn stayed in the hospital for exactly 11 days. We got out on thanksgiving night. My poor baby had a rough time in there, myself included. I was a complete and total mess. My daughter was sicker then ever, and with myself being a new mother and all the other problems I was having, I didn't know what to do. And while we were hospitalized I ended up developing a minor case of mastitis (breast infection from clogged milk duct). I was lucky enough that my mother stayed by our side every single day. My dad came to visit every day also. I don't know what I would of done without them. 

When Brooklynn was about a month old

I was finally allowed to get off the blood pressure medication. I was so happy, I wasn't happy with my weight though. On social media, I made it sound like I was happy. But I wasn't. I was stuck in the 140's and I just kept seeing myself as this fat, repulsive cow. I had low self-esteem, I was having a horrible c-section recovery and more.









Now, a year and a half later, my blood pressure problems have returned. I have lost ALL my pregnancy weight and I am back in the 120's. But my blood pressure problems have returned, today I am back on blood pressure medication and my anxiety is still worse then ever. I get depressed from time to time being so far away from home and my friends. My daughter isn't growing up with her three cousins and that kills me. But I am doing what is best for my daughter. My primary care physician says I will probably be on blood pressure pills for the rest of my life now, and definitely during my next pregnancy. What scares me is my next pregnancy, I am going to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I am hoping that my blood pressure will be under control enough for  me to have a successful VBAC. But sorry guys, I have no babies in store for right now. I am waiting till I find the right guy and I am married. Brooklynn deserves a family first before I give her any little siblings.

want to know how I lost the weight? stay tuned for my next blog post on my weight loss and coping.

For FAQ'S, Guest Posts, and more you can contact me at
email; stephaniekyger123@yahoo.com
DM thru twitter; xstephyxstephxo
DM thru instagram; vivalabrooklynn

FEARLESS (Guest post by mackenzeeinthemaking_xo)

Well hello!

Most of you know me from my old blog that has been deleted, or you may know me from instagram.. but what you don't know is who I really am. So, I'm here to show you!

Basically our story begins back 2011. I was about halfway through my first year of college when i found myself staring at a clear blue digital pregnancy test that read PREGNANT. I was in complete shock. I immediately sent a picture of it to my best friend, Chelsea, and to the father, Kyle. I sat on my bedroom floor not sure whether to be happy, or to cry because I was scared shitless..
A little back story on my child's father and I, we began dating in 8th grade and dated on and off alllll throughout high school. Things got really serious between us our senior year. We began making plans for the future as we thought that we loved each other.. Well I did love him, sooo much.. I wanted to spend my life with him, until I started to see who he really was. Once we graduated high school, there was a lot of hidden mental abuse going on, on both of our parts though, (I wont pretend to be innocent) we both became very controlling and jealous with each other.. We were always on each others backs about trust issues.. Well anyway, he convinced me to stop taking my birth control because he wanted a real family. (We both come from divorced families, his mom was a single mom and his dad was never really present in his life) We began fighting about it allll the time because I used to sneak my birth control behind his back. Once he found that out, he started accusing me of cheating.. I really wasn't sure what to do but all I knew was that I didn't want to lose him.. So I did what he said and stopped taking my birth control. Now clearly we were having unprotected sex and I was aware of it, so I wont "blame" him for my pregnancy.. There was a lot of manipulation and a lot of other issues clearly present in our relationship, but I was sooo blind.. And I was desperate enough to try to keep him in my life that I was willing to get pregnant.
When I told Kyle that I was pregnant, of course he was overjoyed. We were so excited that we were about to have a family of our own that all of our "problems" we were having just sort of went away, so to speak. Naturally breaking the news to our folks was hard. We were BARELY 18 at the time and no where near ready to be reproducing HAHA. My parents and my best friend both tried to talk me into abortion because neither of them actually understood what was going on.. Kyle made promises to my family that he of course couldn't keep. and ever since then my father lost all faith and trust in him.
As my pregnancy went on, I ended up moving in with Kyle and his mother because they had an extra room at their house that was supposed to be for our baby girl. I began making plans to create this beautiful nursery, and I started to fall in love with the idea of our little family. Kyle was working a reallllly awesome job making tons of money, and I was working 2 part time jobs. We finally were about to have it all.. But then i started noticing little things that he would do that honestly just drove me nuts. He was never used to having money as a kid because his mom was a single mother, but I came from a family that always had money.. So he would start spending his money on stupid things and weed and always having his friends over to party. I was 6 months pregnant and exhausted so we rarely ever spent time together.. Ugh.. And It started to scare me knowing that I was bringing a child into this home. Of course I knew who he was before I was pregnant, but I never realized how much we would both have to change until I was actually pregnant. I was really unhappy and I started becoming depressed. My best friend noticed that something wasn't right, and she called me out on it one day. She convinced me that it was better for me and our baby girl to move back in with my family.. (which she was right) so I ended up moving out... And thats when allllll hell broke lose.
Kyle was naturally heart broken that I no longer wanted to live with him, but he never once sat down to understand the reasons why. He says and I quote "You moved out because you're scared that baby isn't mine" he even texted my mother that. Of all things to say, he said that and that's when my parents lost all respect for him.. We went round and round fighting and arguing over absolutely NOTHING. My parents forbid me to see him, but little did they know I was sneaking behind their backs. I would take any opportunity I could to go sneak to see him. I just wanted to make things work for our baby's sake. He made me feel soooo guilty for leaving. But thats when he began cheating and what not. Or so ive been told.. I don't think I'll ever learn the truth about what went on, but anyway, my pregnancy from 6 months on was basically miserable. Every other day it was, "that baby is mine and I love her I wanna make a family work" and then it was "oh that baby isn't mine get out of my life you whore. you ruined my life" I literally cried myself to sleep every single night, partially because of Kyle and allll the fighting with my parents, and partially because I felt guilty about crying and stressing over Kyle thinking about the harm it was causing my baby. Its so hard to hold in those emotions, especially being pregnant. I just wanted so badly to give my baby a family she deserved. I even went into pre-term labor at 27 weeks and had to be hospitalized because of all the stress.
Finally, Five days after my 19th birthday, AND The morning of my due date, I layed in bed tossing and turning, trying to recover from my crying session the night before, and all of a sudden i felt a pop and tons of fluid between my legs. My water had broken! I was basically in shock and I kind of just sat there for a second thinking " Holy shit its time, I'm gonna be a mom" I got to the hospital and my step mom basically told me that if i called Kyle and he was in the room then she wouldn't be there. (My parents at this point, HATED kyle) so i tired to keep it a secret, but somehow he found out I was there and he showed up. My dad threw him out of the room and they ended up getting into a fist fight. I was so embarrassed and hurt that my focus was no where near where it should of been. My anxiety and stress levels were at an all time high. Labor was basically hell for me because of the immaturity and hostility that went on with my parents and Kyle. My parents didnt want him there, and I didnt either, But they took that choice away from me as if I was a 14 year old little girl. I had no power or say in anything and that really just ruined the experience for me.

After a very long day of laboring, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Mackenzee Ryanne Monk, at 12:52 AM. She weighted 7.5 pounds and was 19 inches long. She was welcomed into this world by my whole family, my best friends and Kyle who was waiting outside the hospital. Kyle finally got to meet her, and then everyone left.

There I was, laying in a hospital bed with a newborn baby, ALONE. I was so hurt, that not even my stepmom bothered to stay with me. But it was then, when I was all alone in the hospital that I made a promise to my sweet baby girl to NEVER leave her side and to always be the one to take care of her. I put my entire heart into raising her because I realized that I'm all she's got.. I'm the only one she knows at this very moment here in this hospital room.
I was released from the hospital and I went home to my parents house.. I did everything on my own. I never once asked for help from anyone. Not even to keep an eye on her while I showered.  I made the choice to become a mother, so I was going to hold up my end of the bargain and be a mom. The day after I had given birth I had gotten a horrible headache that last 4 days. I could barely hold my head up, but I didn't let that stop me from being the best mom I could be.
Mackenzee was about a week old, and my parents were PISSED that I was allowing her father to be apart of her life so they kicked me out. They took everything from me, My phone, my car, my home, EVERYTHING. They told me,"you can take what you can carry" so naturally i grabbed all of Mackenzees things and a change of clothes for myself. My best friend picked us up and took us to Kyles. He was happy we were there but I wasn't. We were nowhere near ready to be in a relationship, let alone living together. We fought every single day. It was honestly the worst experience of my life. I don't want to sit here and blame Kyle for it being that way, but really he was drinking heavily, smoking weed heavily.. I would catch him on dating websites talking to other girls about hooking up. The mental abuse and emotional abuse was at an all time high, and then things turned physical. I don't want to get too much into detail about the physical abuse because Kyle has asked me not to forthe sake of his reputation and what not. But I will say that one of the scariest experiences of my life, was when we would fight and he would take mackenzee and lock her in his room so I couldn't get to her. I felt so helpless, I couldn't even protect my own child. (***KYLE WAS NEVER ABUSIVE TO MACKENZEE, HE LOVES HIS DAUGHTER AND WOULD NEVER HURT HER***) Things were just sooo crazy and neither of us were thinking right. I finally had it with him and one day after things got physical, I was so shooken up that I ended up calling the police and having him arrested. I got a restraining order the very next day. I went back to my parents house and of course they were not happy. And once again forbid me from seeing him. Haha..
Since that day, Kyle and I have come alooooonnnnnggg way. We went through more trials of trying to be together, but everytime it failed. Court date after court date to alter visitation schedules.. We are finally at a point now where we both know that its best for Mackenzee if we aren't together. But we want her to grow up knowing both of her parents. We want her to know that its okay to love both of us, and that we will always be there for her as her parents. We have a very strong co-parent relationship but we never let it go past that.. We are both almost 21 now, and Mackenzee is almost 2!! Shes a very smart and outgoing little girl. she steals my heart over and over again every morning when shes tells me "morning mommy" <3
Thanks for reading! I know it was kind of a lot of rambling!! To see more of our story and to follow along on our journey, check out our blog www.mackenzeemeansfearless.blogspot.com <3
**I left out A LOT of detail for the sake of time..

15 & Pregnant (Guest blog from @abbie_mullins14)

Hey guys! I'm so honored to be guest blogging on this beautiful sight. Today I would love to share with you my story of being a young mother. You might know me from Instagram @abbie_mullins14 or my daily blog www.teenmommy2013.weebly.com.
But if you don't, my name is Abbie. I am a 15 year old teen mother to a 4 month old baby boy named Grayson Michael. He's a cutie. I got pregnant when I was 14. (January 2013) I found out when I was 15. (March 25, 2013) Actually, it was two days after my 15th birthday. 

That was an extremely hard day for me and my family did not take it well. They said I had to get an abortion, and when I said no, they told me I planned my pregnancy and kicked me out. I did NOT plan my pregnancy. 

I met my child's father in July 2012 and started dating him on August 5th, 2012. He's the only one I've ever had sex with by the way. We are still together and going strong. But it wasn't always like this.

I was really depressed when I found out I was pregnant. Really depressed. My families reaction only made it worse. I turned to Austin's family for guidance and they helped me through until my mom came around. I lived with my mom, although I felt neglected for a long time. Both Austin and I's parents were teen parents and they were really disappointed. Austin was 17 at the time and he worked part time. Once I got pregnant he had to start working 40 sometimes 50 hours a week... And he still does.
He gave up his senior year and I started online school. I make straight A's and we got MORE than enough stuff for our child and provide great for him. Towards the middle/end of my pregnancy we got in a huge fight, stress was through the roof, and I went into preterm labor. I was I think 30 weeks or so but only measuring 28. My son almost came that night but luckily we made it to the hospital just in time to stop it. I couldn't leave the hospital for almost a week and I was in such bad pain the whole time. That week brought Austin and I a lot closer and made us a lot stronger. And we anxiously awaited the arrival of our baby boy.

He was born October 17, 2013. 4:32 pm, 6lbs 10oz, 18.25in long. Perfection. Absolute. Perfection. I breast feed, co sleep, baby wear sometimes, cloth diaper, and I'm a stay at home mom until I can get a job. Austin and I plan to move in together in June (a few months after I turn 16) with a really close friend of ours. 

We are really excited for our future and we continue to grow everyday as a family. Life has been the opposite of easy for me but I am here to show that not all teen mothers are bad or not good mothers and that teens can actually take responsibility for their children. I never sugar coat my life. I never try to make it look bad or good. I just show you how it is. 

If you'd like to see more of my story, check out my daily blogs using the link above. I hope to see you there.Thank you to everyone who read this. I hope it shows you not all of us are bad. There's actually good in this world.
Thank you so much for reading!

Parenting Styles - Stephy VS Sam.

We figured since our blog has hit over 10k views so far, we'd suprise you all with a joint blog on our parenting styles!

As most parents, we both agree to disagree. Just because we may not agree on both of our differenting par
enting styles, doesn't make us any less of friends, or mothers. And no, just because you disagree with our decisions, or we disagree with yours, that does not make us any different. In the end we are all mothers, and thats all that counts. So lets get started.

Co Bathing - To bathe with your baby.
We both agree Co-Bathing is a great thing to do with a baby at any age. It is an amazing bonding experience.

Co Sleeping - Parent(s) sharing a bed with their infant.
Where as Stephy co-sleep's every night, Sam feels with her soon to be newborn baby, she would feel safer to co-sleep with an attached sleeper. Of course this may all change once her son/daughter arrives.

The reason why Stephy co-sleeps: 

"I never wanted to co sleep in the first place. Only reason why I do it is because it's the only way Brooke will sleep. It's survival. You do what you have to do. On the positive, it's a wonderful bonding experience. I sleep better knowing my child is by my side". 

Extended Rear Facing - The child remains facing the rear of the car beyond the typical 20 pound weight threshold.
We both agree extended rear facing benifits the childs safty.

Breast Feeding - Feeding your child via breast.
We both agree, breast is best. We understand medical issues, that cause some parents not to breast feed. It's an amazing bond, and benifits both mother & child.
Stephys milk dried up after 2 months and she wasn't as dedicated as she should have been, she regrets that.
Samantha plans to breast feed and do everything in her power to breast feed until the age of 1. Extended Breast feeding benifits in powerful ways. 
** In no way are we bashing mothers who formula feed! In the end, If you can or can't breastfeed, you're still a great mother.**

Pro Vaccination - Babies getting Vaccinated.
Stephy: "I'm pro vaccinating because I believe the whole autism thing is bullshit. My entire family has been vaccinated and we've never had any problems, it's benefited all of us. I don't look down on moms who don't because everyone has their own opinion on it. I worry about my own kid and I feel it's he best choice"
Sam: "I'm still iffy on the subject, because i've heard many mixed things on this topic, both good and bad. For now, I am pro vaccination, because again, I agree the Autism thing is bullshit. Also because I haven't heard enough cons to be 'Anti' vaccination just yet. This may change as the months go on, but for now I feel it's the best choice for my son or daughter.

Pro Circumcision - Having the tip of a baby boy's penis removed.
Stephy: "I may not have a son yet but I would rather have him circumcised young then when he's older so he won't remember it. It's cleaner then uncircumcised and it helped protect against infection such as chlamidia and much more."

Anti Circumcision - Refusing to habe the tip of a baby boy's penis removed.
Sam: "So many people have mixed views on Circumcision, why and why not to do it. Well, I am 100% ANTI circumsision and my mind won't change. If you teach your son how to properly clean himself, theres no problems with cleanliness. Foreskin also has over 20,000 nerve endings that you'll be removing, your removing one of the most sensitive and pleasured parts of a mans penis. I feel it's not right to do. Also did you know the same amount of one months old die from SIDS, as they do from curcumcision? Why risk your child?

Attachment Parenting - Focuses on the nurturing connection that parents can develop with their children. 
We both agree attachment parenting is the way to go. We disagree with the "cry it out method" etc. Why show less love to your child, when you can show more?

Halloween of 2012 - The Greatest day of my life.

continuing The Pregnancy of a Single Mother and The lies that Led me here today..

 I was 38 weeks pregnant, the day before my last doctors appointment and ultrasound. I was so excited that this was it. The end of my pregnancy was seven days or less away. My nerves were going crazy, and I actually thought to myself, "I really am going to miss being pregnant." Because it was the truth. I was going to miss my belly table, I was going to miss the kicks, the hiccups, the thought of knowing that this was the safest I could keep my daughter. I could keep her protected from this cruel world if she just stayed cradled in her little water nest. For me it was a love hate relationship with this pregnancy, the aches, pains, and sickness were horrible. But everything else was just so beautiful. In the end though, I was ready to have my baby and for her to finally be in my arms.

 I was so anxious to find out the prognosis of my daughter's situation with the gap in between her skull and brain. I was worried. I did a lot of research online that helped me a lot cope with the risk of being autistic and such. Her risks were low, but the risk that it was still there still haunted me. I was so scared to find out, but yet, I was so excited to see her face on that screen, for the very last time. Because after this, the next I see her, she will be in my arms. She will be cradled in my arms, and I will never let her go. She will be my girl forever. The love of my life, my everything. 

"I have died every day waiting for you. Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I will love you for a thousand more." - Christiana Perry, Thousand Years.

     Tuesday, October 30, 2012, I went in to my doctor's appointment and waited for what seemed like forever. As soon as I got back to the ultrasound room, the ultrasound tech and I started chatting as she was setting up the machine to get it ready. Ironically, I was telling her how I wish I could have my baby in my arms right now and if I could have her tomorrow I would. Little did I know, my wish would be coming true. Once we started and I saw Brooklynn's little face; my heart had just melted. The ultrasound tech pointed out that she had at little bit of hair (which would explain my excessive heart burn), and very chubby cheeks. Her estimate weight was about 6 lbs and 10 oz. I was a little bit shocked at the weight though. I thought she would be a much bigger baby. Given the fact that myself, my sister and my brother and I were all 8 lbs, my other sister was 10 lbs. On Michael's side he was 9 lbs, his two brother's were between 10-12 lbs and same with the elders. So, as you can see, I was expecting a fairly large baby. 

After my ultrasound was over, I was escorted back to the waiting room, where I would wait for the doctor to see me. It felt like I had waited for hours but eventually I got called back. It was safe to say I was probably the most pregnant woman in there. Once I got called back the nurse checked my weight as usual, I was 173 lbs. I had gained between 48-50 lbs this pregnancy. I wanted to die just seeing that number. Anyways, the nurse checked my blood pressure and she noticed it was in the 140's, this concerned her and she wanted to check again once the doctor came in to look at me. I wasn't really to worried though. I was just like "Okay whatever." I didn't think much of it. Once,t he doctor came back, she checked my cervix and of course I was STILL only 1 cm. I didn't understand, I had been 1 cm since I was 28 weeks! I was 38 weeks now and still only at a 1. I just didn't get it. Now concerning the gap between Brooklynn's skull and her brain- the gap had not went away nor did it change. I was bummed and we just had to keep an eye on her development now. The doctor checked my BP and it only went down to the high 130's. She told me that she wanted to do some blood work and not to leave the office. If my blood work came back determining pre-e then she wanted me to go into L&D immediately to be induced. I basically went into a state of shock. Not really realising that this could be it. The day I was waiting for. I wasn't supposed to be induced until November 7, a week later. But no, it could be happening today!

I told my mom what had happened and we waited in the waiting room for over two hours. We were hungry and very anxious. All I could really think about was food, I wanted food more then anything. I hadn't eaten breakfast this morning and I wasn't expecting to be at the doctor's office this long. After a long time of waiting, Dr.Brastch finally emerged and she told us to head straight to the hospital it was baby time! I was so stunned. She said the only thing I could eat was something very light.

My mother and I went straight home to go pick up our hospital bags and such. I called my father and some of my closest friends, letting them know that it was time to have this baby. I had been diagnosed with the early stages of preeclampsia and that it wasn't safe for baby and I to be pregnant any longer. I didn't even bother texting Michael that it was baby time. I didn't care. The only thing I cared about right now is that I, Stephanie Kyger, was about to become someone's mother. That these long night months were now over, and now I can start my new life with my little girl by my side. What I find ironic is two things; back in September on a car ride that my mother and I were taking, we thought it would be so funny if my baby was born the week of Halloween. Actually thru out my entire pregnancy, my friends and I joked about my baby being born the week of Halloween. We had even brought up to my doctor once too. And then this morning, when the ultrasound tech and I were talking, I had mentioned that I just wanted to have my baby tomorrow cause I didn't want to wait another week. It's weird in a way how life works. But damn, I wouldn't change a thing.

My face was swollen, my eyes were puffy, my hands, feet and legs were swollen, even my crotch was swollen. Sorry for the TMI. The nurse had taken my blood, hooked me up to an IV, hooked up the fetal and contraction monitor and blood pressure cuff. I was so ready for this baby to be out of me. This had been a long, stressful, and emotional pregnancy for me. As much as a emotional roller coaster this pregnancy was, I knew I was going to miss it. I loved my bump, the kicks, the doctor's appointments.I loved everything. But I was ready for this new journey and to be skinny again. I was ready.




They started me off on this drug called "cytotech" or however its spelled. My contractions started almost immediately. They were right on top of each other and I was in a great deal of pain. As you can see in the picture, I was a bit loopy on pain medication. My doctor wanted to artificially rupture my membranes around 8 PM that evening and start a round of pitocin at midnight. When the doctor tried to break my water, the babies head had floated away and the doctor didn't feel safe doing it at this time. So they would start the pitocin a little bit earlier. What alarmed the doctors and nurses was that my blood pressure was escalating. For some reason, my body started to resist the pitocin and only reacted to the drug they placed on my cervix. But I didn't dilate anymore then 1 and a half cm. I was in labor for close to twelve and a half hours, before they were going to break my water again, they noticed my blood pressure was now in the 180's and determined that continuing with my labor would be to dangerous for baby and I. They were fearful I was going to have a stroke or worse. So I was immediately rushed back for a c-section. I had never been more scared in my entire life. I told the doctors and nurses to be my drug lords. My mother was the one who went into the delivery room with me. I was scared for my life. I had never had a major surgery like this before.

Once I laid down on the operating table, I knew this was it. The epidural didn't hurt one bit but the only thing I was feeling was anxiousness. It swept over my body like a wave. Once the doctor told me I was going to feel pressure, I felt more then that. I felt like I was being trampled by an elephant. I screamed "HOLY FUCK". And then, they showed me my little blood covered baby. She was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen. I was in a state of shock and it hadn't really sunk in yet that I was now a mother. That that baby was MY baby. I just couldn't believe it.

October 31st, 2012 at 8:41 AM, Brooklynn Helena Kyger was born. VIA C-Section birth at Saint Thomas Rutherford Hospital, Murfreesboro, TN.
5 lbs 15 oz, 18 3/4 inches long

 

"I could float without wings, touch the sky, feel the sunlight kiss my face. Fly thru space, if I knew it would bring me close to you. People stop and stare so let them watch me while I dare to suddenly reach for your hand,  hush your lips, steal a kiss or two or three, shamelessly, if I knew it would bring me close to you." -Mindy Gledhill, Bring me close.

  Having Brooklynn was the most magical moment of my life. I felt so much love, so much joy. I never knew I could love someone so tiny, so fragile. I never knew love until I saw her. I thought I did, but I didn't. My daughter was love in the human form. She was perfect, and she was all mine. She is everything I had ever wanted and everything I could of ever hoped for. As a child, I had always wondered what my first born would be like. The babies name, gender, what he or she would look like. But I never imagined that my first born would be this perfect. I was in love. 

My little girl was perfectly healthy. She had a nine on her apgar scores, no jaundice. She was perfect. was a lot smaller then any of had expected her to be. I was scared to death of breaking her. As soon as I got out of my c-section though, I immediately was put back on magnesium sulfate to lower my blood pressure. I was on it for 24 hours. So that means I had now gone 48 hours without food. I felt like I was dying. Breastfeeding Brooklynn was hard enough with me falling asleep every ten minutes. It was horrible that I couldn't move around or even enjoy my first day with her because I couldn't stay awake because of all the drugs and the stressful labor. I was a little down though that I didn't get to experience a normal vaginal delivery. I felt like my body had failed me. The next day when I was finally allowed to eat, was also one of the worst, most painful days of my life. When I was finally allowed to start walking around it was so painful. I couldn't even stand up straight nor walk for five minutes. I ended up pushing out three baseball sized blood clots vaginally. I actually thought I was going to die. My blood pressure was getting worse by the day, my health was decreasing. I had the worst c-section experiance and now my recovery was also a living hell. I literally thought I wasn't going to see my daughter grow up. When my blood pressure got into the high 190's and doctors were filling the room...I knew this wasn't going to turn out good for me.

To be continued...

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Rumours are vicious, your talk is cheap.

"Rumors are vicious,Talk is cheap. words are malicious,Secrets you should keep. Gossip is fakeAnd it'll make the deepest cut.So learn from the past, And keep your mouth shut."

Lets start this blog off by saying, YES SIERRA. This blog is targeted at you. About your malicious lies, and the pure hatred that lies in between your bones. Your heart is a big, non exsistant black hole, & you blame your problems on other people to make you feel better about yourself. You're a cyberBULLY.

It started with the hate pages about Brittany Bree. Most of you may know her from Instagram, and she was a good friend of mine once apon a time. Hate pages were made, and because my IG account's were being hacked into & deleted, these girls decided they were going to use that as an excuse to pin it on me. I had lost a lot of friends that day. I lost Brittany, Ivy, Crystal, Morgan. All these moms I absolutely adored. I had 20,000 people harassing me, telling me to kill myself. Telling me I didn't deserve to breathe. They were vicious, like leaches. Attacking at command by Sierra. It was terrible. Being attacked and hated by so many people I didn't even know, because of some rumor.

After about 4 months passed, I mended my relationships, with everybody but Brittany. Eventually she did unblock me, and we've chatted a bit. But our relationship is nowhere as close as it once was.
The next rumor started about me, was for being behind a "Gossip Girl" account on Instagram. The gossip girl account went around targeting Sierra, but yet again, every problem in her life, is apperently my fault. They leaked her nudes, and spread rumors (god only knows if their true or not.) Again, she targeted me for this hate page, made posts after posts on her Instagram blaiming me for "almost driving her to suicide" & "ruining her life." At this point, her follower count climed, and her Instagram had almost 30,000 followers. Imagine having over 1500 instagram requests, all waiting for you too accept so they can rip you to shreds. Like vicious animals. Every one of them commenting on Sierras posts saying I should die, and that my children all 'died' because they didn't want such a horrible person being their mother. Imagine all your relationships being broken and everybody turning against you, because one girl, had spread yet another rumor. "How i'm obsessed with her", how "Im jealous because I couldn't be a mother."

" Some people won't be happy until they've pushed you to the ground. What you have to do is have the courage to stand your ground and not give them the time of day. Hold on to your power and never give it away."

Time for the the next rumor. Now i'm being targeted by all of your "supporters",
Again. Claiming I'm running yet ANOTHER Instagram page called "fakemothers." That page is targeting some of my BEST friends, some of the most amazing people i've met in my life. Now explain to me, why I would put ALL that hate on myself? Why I would want to be targeted AGAIN by such a cruel bitch, and all the people who feed into her lies. Why? Just why.

Enough is enough. The story has been put straight. Let the rumors get put to rest. Stop blaiming your problems on me because you're so insecure. I have a child, a family, & I am PERFECTLY happy with my life. I don't have to be-little somebody I don't even know. I'm not a bully, nor will I ever be. I've been bullied by people like you for my whole life, and I won't stand for it any longer. YOU ruined my life. YOU are the reason that over 30,000 peoplr hate me, spread even more lies than you do. YOU are the reason i'm told my child should die on a daily basis. YOU are the bully. NOT ME. I haven't done a thing wrong, yet your life is ruined because of me? No. Your life was ruined because of mistakes you made yourself. Not anybody else. The pregnant nude that went viral? Your own fault. The lies you've told that have caused many people to turn on you? Your own fault. The people who ACTUALLY started those hate pages? Your own fault. You wouldn't have haters, if you were a good person, if you actually treated others the way you wanted to be treated.

" People who love themselves, don’t hurt other people. The more we hate ourselves, the more we want others to suffer."

Stop targeting others for your own problems. You do not need to drag others into your own mess, & cause them to get the amount of hate & disrespect by people I don't even know. Enough of the bullying. I'm SICK of your drama, lies, & rumors. I'm SICK of your bullying, and your half ass attitude.
Get off your high horse.

The pregnancy of a single mom.

Continuing from "The Lies that led me to where I am today".

 A week had passed and it was time for my gender ultrasound. I went with the two girls I was living with whom I considered family. As soon as the ultrasound tech told me I was having a girl I was ecstatic! I already knew I was naming her Brooklynn Helena (Hel-lae-na). If Brooklynn was going to be a boy, her name ranges would of been between Evan Chase, Levi Chase, or Christian James, and Bentley Shawn. But no, she was my Brooklynn, my little GIRL.

After the gender scan was over, we went back into a room to wait for the doctor to look over the ultrasound, to make sure everything was alright. When the doctor came back in, he checked the babies heartbeat and said it was perfect, but he was slightly concerned and wanted me to come back in. My doctor told me the most heartbreaking news I could ever hear. He told me that Brooklynn had a cyst in her brain that was about a millimeter long (I think, I don't completely recall). After that appointment was over, I broke down into tears in the parking lot and just cried. It was all I could do. After that was when I would start having frequent ultrasound scans every 2-3 weeks; just to check the growth of the cyst and to make sure it was benign. But still, the thought of a cyst growing in my daughters brain was the scariest thing that I had ever heard. And the fact that Michael didn't even care... Well I already had a knife in my heart from the cyst news, but Michael not caring was twisting that knife deeper in. I prayed every day for this to go away, I cried all the time. I honestly think I grew some what depressed in a way. I was so worried for the health of my child that I even grew restless. At this point, I just didn't what to do with myself anymore. I put on a smile for everyone around me, but behind that smile was a world of hurt. I was hurting more then anyone ever realized. Outside, I appeared to be strong. Because I had to be, but on the inside I was weak and no where ready for any of this. I thought it couldn't get any worse. My morning sickness was horrible, my emotions were getting the best of me, I ended up developing torturous hemorrhoids. I'm sure some of you ladies can sympathize. Could it get any worse? Think again.

The following week passed, and my family begged me to come back with them to Tennessee. I figured it was for the best, with the conditions with my pregnancy, my strained relationships, the heartbreak Michael caused me on a daily basis, my lack of hours at my Job. I knew that this was the right decision, but it was also the hardest. Leaving behind my friends, my sisters and nephews was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I was some what relieved, I was leaving behind all the negativity, the bullies, and Michael. That was the greatest joy of all. Texas held a lot of good and bad memories. My friends were there, my nephews were born there, my sisters lived there. But also my my enemies were there, and then there was Michael. The one whom I tried to avoid at all costs when entering Flower Mound. Because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. This pregnancy had cost me the majority of my friends and my relationship. But I was more grateful then ever. It showed whom my true friends are. And it also showed me that God has the right man out there for me. God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. So why did he make my pregnancy so tough? That is an answer only God can answer.

 

The next seven weeks went along smoothly that is until I turned 27 weeks pregnant. I was in Wal-Mart grocery shopping with my mother and I started feeling the babies head push down on my cervix. It hurt so bad I could barely walk. I went home and rested then felt better the following day. The next day I went to red lobster with my mother, everyone started noticing my stomach was much lower then normal. I felt fine though. That was the photo that was taken the day I went to Red Lobster. The following day I noticed I was having bowel issues, sorry for the TMI guys. But the day after that, I was in Wal-Mart again with my mother and noticed some sharp pains in my side. I wasn't sure what they were but they were not going away. My mother insisted it was just gas, but I had a feeling it was more then that. I went home and laid on my left side, drank a glass of water and tried to sleep it off. But it kept getting worse. I called my doctor and they wanted me to come in immediately. As soon as I got to the doctor the nurse hooked me up to a contraction monitor to see if I was having contractions. Turned out I was having them on top of each other.

The nurse took me back to a room and alerted Dr. Bratsch immediately. The doctor came in minutes later and told me even if I was the littlest bit open that I was going to Labor and Delivery. I kinda blew that off because I didn't think I was dilated, boy was I wrong. The doctor told me I was already 1 cm dilated and that I needed to go to the hospital now. I told my family what was happening and of course everyone was freaking out. My baby was possibly coming tonight and I wasn't even close to ready. As soon as I got to the hospital my mother and father were by my side. I got hooked up to the fetal and contraction monitor, IV's and got an ultrasound. They immediately started me on Magnesium sulfate and gave me diladin or whatever it's called for pain. Needless to say that I felt higher then a kite. My ultrasound showed that I had cervical shortening which is also short cervical length. My body was getting ready to have this baby.

"I wish I was strong enough to lift not one but both of us. Some day I will be strong enough to lift not one but both of us. " - Taylor Swift, Both of Us. 

I was living a nightmare. I was so scared that I would end up with a stillborn, or a baby in the nicu fighting for it's life. Words can't describe the pain, and the fear that was consuming my body. The doctor kept me in the hospital for about a week. That was the most torturous, uncomfortable week of my life. I got to go home on very strict bedrest, in hopes that I wouldn't go back into labor by too much activity. My doctor had prescribed me a medication called "Procardia" . I was supposed to take it to stop my contractions whenever they started getting closer together.

Being on strict bed rest meant I couldn't be on my feet for long periods of time. I was basically on house arrest. No baby shower, no maternity pictures. Nothing. It was hard being away from my friends and family, yet alone being house bound. I didn't get to have those baby shower memories or even have the fun of getting maternity pictures. So one day, I was DESPERATE to get out of bed. I downloaded a self timer app on my phone and just took my own maternity pictures. I was about eight months in, but I didn't care. I could take more later if I wanted too.

Being on bed rest literally sucked the joy out of everything. I had contractions almost every single day. They weren't very painful though, just the intense tightening always became too much for me to handle sometimes. I was loosing sleep, becoming irritable and my morning (more like all day, every day) sickness was returning. I was in pregnancy hell. I was lucky to have my family by my side. I don't know what I would of done if I didn't. I just wanted my baby to be born already. I was so sick of being pregnant. Everyone else was having their babies and here I was wondering why the hell was I still pregnant?!    My emotions ran wild almost every day, I cried almost every day. I never would of imagined that I would of been pregnant at 18, and to top it all off be a single mother. I always imagined having that picture perfect family. Which Michael and I kinda had at first. We made plans and all that and just to have them thrown away tore me apart. Having another man's child grow inside me, knowing I was the only person who wanted her to be born, who wanted to love her, who wanted to be by her side with every step she took. I cried every night, and at any time. I didn't know what to do anymore. I just counted down the days till my due date. Waiting, but growing very impatient. 

 At 34 weeks pregnant, it was time for another ultrasound, to check the cyst in my babies brain. We were hoping that by this point the cyst would be completely gone. I had gotten donuts that morning for my weekly craving before my appointments, because I was one of those type of people who is an emotional eater. Being pregnant was enough of an excuse for me. So many thoughts were crossing my mind. "is my baby going to be okay?" "What if the cyst isn't gone?" "What if it's cancerous cyst?". All these "what if's" running thru my mind. I felt my stomach churning like I was going to vomit. I was able to keep myself together once we arrived at Tennessee Maternal Fetal Medicine out in Franklin, Tennessee. 

The time had come around in the waiting room felt like forever. My mother and Laura (my mother's best friend at the time) were with me. Once we finally got called back into a room and they rubbed the cool gel on my belly, I felt fear just come over me. But once I heard my babies heartbeat, I felt at peace. Hearing her heartbeat was music to my ears; I could listen to it all day if I could. It was the most beautiful sound in this entire world, nothing could ever compare to it. My mother was being insecure about them getting the gender false the first time, so she asked the ultrasound tech to reconfirm the sex of the baby. Of course, Brooklynn was still a GIRL. My mother, Laura and I of course all went crazy for Brooke's little feet. She was the cutest baby even on screen. Every time I saw her on ultrasound I fell in love immediately. I couldn't wait to meet her and kiss that little face.

"When all the world is spinning 'round like a red balloon way up in the clouds. And my feet will not stay on the ground, you anchor me back down." -Mindy Gledhill, Anchor.

Anyways, once the ultrasound tech had finished up with me, she sent my mother, Laura and I back to the doctor's office. As we waited in the room things were just awkward. No one really spoke much. It was like this awkward tension was just lingering in the air. I was so scared for the doctor to come in, to tell me the good news or the bad. I didn't know. Part of me actually didn't want to know, as bad as that sounds. I couldn't handle anymore bad news. The doctor finally came in and told me that the cyst had gone away! it was gone! I was so happy and felt as if this big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But that was also when the doctor had dropped the bomb on me. All though the cyst on gone away, the doctor had another cause for concern. Brooklynn had developed a gap in between her skull and her brain, it was full of fluid. I don't remember exact measurements, but the Doctor at Tennessee Maternal Fetal Medicine wanted another ultrasound in four weeks to see if the gap had closed up, and my OB/GYN doctor back Murfreesboro Medical Clinic wanted the same thing. The doctor explained to me that with this prognosis, that if it doesn't go away, that my daughter could have a slight chance at being Autistic or having some other mental disability later in life. I felt like the weight of the world had dropped like a bomb on to my shoulders. Everything was falling apart again.  But I knew God had a plan. He gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. I knew the lord had something awesome planned for my daughter and I.

" Say something I'm giving up on you. I'll be the one if you want me too. Anywhere I would of followed you, So something I'm giving up on you. And I am feeling so small. It was over my head, I know nothing at all. And I will stumble and fall. I'm still learning to love. Just starting to crawl. Say something I'm giving up on you." - A great big world, Say Something

  My due date was reading around the corner and I was exhausted, scared and confused. I would be delivering this baby without the father, Michael. It killed me every day to know that I was the only one who got to experiance this new life coming into this world; and he was going to miss the birth of his first born. I just couldn't grasp it. After the day that I got the devastating news, that my daughter had a POSSIBILITY of being Autistic and such, I texted Michael pictures of the ultrasound and about the gap and the prognosis. He ignored me, he didn't even care. It shattered my heart. I knew that I was just wasting my time, I knew he didn't care, but I didn't want to except that. I tried fighting to get him to care about her. When now, I realize, I was fighting with a lost cause. Because she has me, and I am all she needs. I wish I would of realized it a long time ago. But better late then never right?

Once I hit 37 weeks, I decided it was time to get this going. Operation evict Brooklynn. I did EVERYTHING. Except have sex. I mean really, who would I have sex with?
My imaginary boyfriend? Yeah, I think not. Anyways, I was miserable and swollen. One day, my best friend Harlee and I were texting and she told me that Martha (my mother, AKA Tammy) and I should go see the movie Sinister. So I could possibly get so scared that my water will break and oh happy day here comes a baby! Yeah...I wish. So, Martha and I went to go see Sinister. I didn't get scared, but Martha did. I almost died laughing.

Later on the next day, My parents went out with some friends to go see a movie and then afterwards we were all going to go to Logan's Roadhouse. I decided to stay home because I was tired and I didn't want to see the movie they all decided to see. An hour or so after they left, I had pretty much dominated my parents bed. But I also started noticing pretty painful contractions. I monitored them for a few hours and waited it out. They got 2-3 minutes apart and my doctor told me to go to the hospital. Only problem was I was by myself. I called my parents, they didn't pick up. Figured because they were in the movies. I called Laura and Ron, they didn't answer. I called my best friend, Harlee, and had a complete and total bitch fit because I was in pain and thought a baby could fall out of my vagina at any moment. Eventually I got a hold of my mother, Laura and my mother immediately came to pick me up and take me to the hospital. My father and Ron, Laura's husband, met us there. I was hoping to god that this wasn't a false alarm. That this was the day I would finally meet the child that has been making me pee myself and mistake it for amniotic fluid, The child who gave me butterflies every time she moved around and kicked her little feet, The child whom I dreamed about every night, the child who had captured my heart.

  Once I arrived at the hospital the nurses got me hooked up to a fetal monitor to monitor the babies heartbeat and to monitor my contractions. My contractions were pretty consistent, about 2-3 minutes apart and lasting 60 seconds. I sat there almost in tears. The nurse checked my cervix and I was still only 1 cm dilated. The nurse then asked me if I ever had a problem with blood pressure before. I told her no, I hadn't. So they monitored me for a few hours and then the nurse came back in. She told me that the doctor on call wanted to keep me over night, stop my contractions and monitor my blood pressure. They made me do a 24 hour urine test to determine if I was developing preeclampsia. I was miserable, my family had gone home and I was by myself, spending the night in this hospital. I already had a hard time sleeping and didn't know what to do. I had no one to talk too, nothing good to watch on TV and I just wanted to cry. What if my health was in danger? What if my baby is in danger? 

The next day the hospital let me go home. Everything seemed to be okay on the 24 hour urine, but they still wanted me to go see my doctor a day before I was supposed to go in for my scheduled appointment. I was exhausted, when I got home that night, it was probably the best sleep I've had got in a very long period of time. The next day I went to go see my OB/GYN and she of course checked my blood pressure and my cervix and all that. She checked my blood pressure and it was fine. But what she doesn't know is right before my appointment I was having irregular contractions, so I took a procardia to stop them so I would be okay at the doctors appointment. What I didn't know is that procardia also treats high blood pressure. That was why my blood pressure was okay at my doctors appointment. She scheduled an induction for 39 weeks pregnant. So in two weeks, I would be having my baby. The reason behind my induction was because I have a small frame and we were worried about a big baby. So to avoid c-section, induction was the next option. My next appointment would also be my last ultrasound, where we would check the babies weight, and also check the gap in between her skull and brain, to check and see if it had closed up or not.

   To be continued...